14 février 2008

You and I were only one...


It has been quite a long time since I got any news from you but I do not blame you for doing so... Today was an ordinary day : pupils went to school at 8.30 and they left it at 16.30, babies born and old people died, but it was also Valentine's day... I wish I could have spent the whole day with a guy I love but there was actually no beloved one near me today. Thus, I have been thinking about a specific man. I do not know if I am right or wrong because no one can really control his thoughts and even less his heart... You disappeared in the darkness of the city on a chilling night at the end of September and since then I tried to keep my thoughts away from you. Nevertheless, whatever I did, either ice-skating, meeting my friends, or going to the movies, my mind was geared towards you... I do not wish I could spend all my days with you but I came to the conclusion that I lost one of the most precious things I ever found in my life : you. I walked along the restaurant in which we had dinner together at the end of June. I never thought something could happen between you and me. And a few hours later, you moved closer to my body at your place, while I was sitting on your bed. I could feel the warmth of your face and your breath while you were whispering four words : "May I kiss you ?". A single kiss from your lips told me you wanted something with me, but I feared it was only to make love and say goodbye...


I kept on thinking that I could never feel the passion of love for you but I was wrong. And the more distant you were, the more I insisted to meet you. I realized we had spent too much time at your place and I tried to suggest you that we go to the restaurant, to the movies, and you told me you wanted to stop seeing me... Then we saw each other twice, the two of us who were now "friends" but we ended in your bed as if nothing had changed between us. Finally you decided upon not seeing me anymore, not talking anymore, and probably leaving for someone new... On one hand, you might have already found someone else, someone with whom you really want to live a true love story. On the other hand, you might also be alone and try to find the proper one... Even though you might have spent this Valentine's day with your love, I wish you have not forgotten me yet. In any case, I cannot say I feel pain in my heart, but whatever it is, it will not go away... I tried to date other guys but I kept on looking back and wondering what made you change your opinion on our relationship. Thus, this question keeps on spinning in my mind : what if you had accepted to go to a restaurant once again with me, to talk and tell me that some changes were necessary, when you were back from your holidays in Greece ? I should not have said immediately that I had missed you and that I had realized I quite fell in love with you while you were gone... If we could only turn back time, would you be the affectionate man I used to know ? Instead of that, I guess we will probably never know, because you do not want me to belong to your present life as if I was an inconvenient error in your love life...



I am surely guilty of many things and I undoubtfully disappointed you. You touched my skin, you bit my lips, you and I were only one... I watched you sleep and held you tight in my arms. I loved to massage you when you were tired so that I know every centimeter of your body and I still remember the way you looked at me with your blue eyes. And tonight when I close my eyes, in my dreams, I will see you and I will still feel your touch. I try to escape this burning desire but I am tormented and deeply shaken by the violence of my feelings which yearn to be near you... There is just too much in my mind that days, weeks, and months cannot erase. I spent almost all day in a park of the city, laying on the lawn, looking at the blue sky. I wish I could have dozed on your shoulder, just relaxing and enjoying this sunny, unusually warm, beautiful winter day. Yes, today was an unusual day because it was Valentine's day ; but it also was an ordinary day because the truth is just that I miss you, I swear that is true, and even more than I can say...