20 décembre 2007

What should I do now ?


It is now almost over. I have been working for two months in one of the most prestigious tea shop of the French capital near the Arc de Triomphe. My bosses were extremely satisfied with my work and they wanted to keep me in their company. I do not really know why but I declined... I have to admit I enjoyed Paris really much, I liked to work at 260 Faubourg Saint-Honoré but there was still something missing in my life. I just feel like I have been dreaming of a better life in my past. Yes, I used to be that kind of naive child thinking that Prince Charming would come on his white horse and keep me in his arms inside his castle, forever. Then came cruel disillusions... I wonder if society is responsible for all these bachelor people who did not exist in the past. Did we become intensively individualistic or did our lifes change in such a way that no one is to know long-term love relationships ? When I was in Paris, I felt even more this loneliness... Paris is vibrant ; there is always something to do, somewhere to go ; the Champs-Elysées on a Sunday evening offer open shops till midnight and the place is crowded with tourists and Parisians, just as usual. Therefore, there is so much life that one faces even more the obvious truth that his or her life seems so quiet and boring. Today, there are lots of ways to communicate but people do not take time to talk and know each other. They send text messages to wish birthdays while being in the subway, they write emails to get news while eating quickly lunch during their one-hour lunchtime, they just do not hang up the phone when their girlfriend/boyfriend gives them a call...


I could say that gay men are even more individualistic. Most of them do not like the others. They say they want to be involved in relationships but in fact, they just like the chase : seducing and being seduced, flirting and being flirted, cheating and being cheated... I might be considered as one of these heartless guys. I have been shopping my Christmas gifts in luxury shops, spending my time at Hermès, La Maison du Chocolat, Ladurée, Chanel, etc., spending money like mad. It might have been funny in some ways but consuming more and more revealed the emptiness of my life... Moreover, I did not find peace in escaping life. I did what I wanted to do. I was who I wanted to be. I slept with guys I wanted to sleep with, just to have fun and forget the flaws of my life... until I could not breath. I was trying to find a way to forget the guy I am in love with. I thought making my life so busy for two months would change it, but nothing really changed. I told him I wish I could meet him again and told him what my heart still contains but he is even more bitter towards me now... Anyway, I am soon going to Amsterdam in the end of January with a friend of mine. I hope this trip to the Netherlands will keep my mind away from this life. That life I hate a little bit more day after day. It might remind me my golden Swedish days when I was always on my way to visit new places : Norway, Denmark, Finland, Russia, and Lappland. I used to be happy on these days...



But what is happiness ? Is love a compulsory feeling to experience full happiness ? And after all I just wonder is being gay incompatible with being simply happy ? When I read other gay blogs and gay pages on the Internet, I just feel that among all these unfaithful husbands, all these sex maniacs, all these I-don't-know-what-I-want guys, there might be the guy I need but I have to admit that I lost hope recently... Do we all have to become selfish and individualistic when we walk in some street in Paris and just have a quit look at all these people begging and sleeping on a subway ventilation system to keep warm while there is no doubt the thermometer hardly reaches zero Celsius degree. I know the world will not change because I do not like it as it is, but as days go on, I feel it harder and harder to enjoy the world as it appears to my eyes... But for the moment, Christmas is an event I want to celebrate with the few people I love after all : my mother, my brother, my sister-in-law, and my two nieces. I have always liked Christmas celebrations. It has something magic and timeless as if for one night all of us experience short moments of true happiness with our beloved relatives. There is no doubt it would be even better to share it with my family and the man who will accept me as I am, with my pros and my cons but for the moment, it does not seem very possible. Consequently my last words for this article are that I wish to you all, my friends or my readers, a Merry Christmas...